Living In a Movie

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My brother sometimes calls me out and accuses me of “performing” when I am out somewhere with him – maybe at work at the smoke shop or at gigs or what have you – when other people are around.

I take this to mean that I am exaggerated and always playing to an audience.

He’s not wrong.

I never thought this was normal, but I have allowed this to happen unchecked (except by Chris) for the bulk of my life.

Also – since I was little, it seemed like I was living in a movie or a television show.

I remember when I was in the first grade in Coconut Grove in the late 1960s, sitting alone on a swing in our back yard on Tigertail Court – lost in some sort of “montage,” with the Paul Mauriat instrumental hit, “Love Is Blue” on some sort of loop in my consciousness.

I was lost in the tranquility. I already knew every nuance of the song’s arrangement because I heard it constantly. I didn’t know what a montage was, but the images and music  “playing” in my head were cinematic. This was all about “The Boy from ‘Love Is Blue.”

That boy was me. I was the main character. I was the only character.

Flash forward (whoops, another cinema phrase): I have been noticing something lately in my feeds about something called Main Character Syndrome.

Main Character Syndrome is close to what my brother has been calling me out on. It’s something that manifests itself when there are others around. But I think my solitary time on the swing plays into it as well.

The Cleveland Clinic sums up Main Character Syndrome like this:

“When you know someone is watching you, you tend to act in a very different way than you would if you were alone,” clarifies [Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD]. “If you’re being authentic, you’re dressing, acting and saying things that truly represent who you are. But with main character syndrome, you’re often putting on a wardrobe or a mask to present in a different way.”

Holy shit.

I put on a show even if nobody is watching.

The article asserts that these behaviors “often go unnoticed until they’re called out by others around you [thanks, Chris] largely because the negative aspects are often derived from how your behaviors affect those you interact with negatively.”

I don’t think I’m that far gone, though. I care about others and would like to think I am compassionate and emotionally intelligent. And yet – I know that I am self-conscious with a tendency to feel socially awkward. 

But because I am a high-functioning introvert, it’s these mind-movie performances that help me cope. My brother and I talked about this on our PODCAST.

At home, I’m a different animal. I am quiet if you disregard the random blurting out of song lyrics. After gigs or a shift at work – both eminently public-facing, I am kind of tapped out.

Sure enough, it’s in the Cleveland Clinic piece also – with more from Albers:

“At home, you may drop the facade because it can be really exhausting to feel as if you’re always putting on a show.”

I am glad to have stumbled on to this information. Something else to explore. Therapy, anybody?

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• Cleveland Clinic
• Coconut Grove
• Introvert
• Love Is Blue
• Main Character Syndrome
• Mental Health
• Paul Mauriat